Within this present process of honesty — an honesty that strips everything down to the core — the deepest inner barrier I have discovered is an original loss of trust.
Beyond the processed and unprocessed wounds of childhood, beyond emotional knots connected to my parents, beyond the unwanted intervention of birth by cesarean section, beyond the less-than-ideal circumstances of conception — I encountered a far more dramatic rupture: a loss of trust in the Creator, in the Unnameable.
It is a scar long hidden beneath what seems natural — the ego’s sense of separation from unity. Yet this wound closes a gate within me, one that does not allow what I have long yearned for: complete surrender, true union with what I essentially am. It holds back the total opening of the heart — the capacity to give everything and receive everything. It is a serious restraint on inner growth and the elevation of consciousness.
For a long time, I believed that only I could reopen myself to trust, since I was the one who once withdrew it. I feel this very differently now. The self that made that decision is not accessible at my present level of awareness. And I also sense that the restoration of this trust cannot be achieved through personal will — it cannot be forced or conquered.
As David R. Hawkins wrote, laying down such burdens is only possible through the action of the “spiritual will” of the deeper Self. By now, this is no longer merely an idea accepted by the mind, but a truth confirmed through years of lived experience.
I cannot push myself alone through the eye of the needle. But with the most humble, sincere, and clear intention, I hope I can invite this spiritual will to assist me. Such a declaration, however, must be free of all bargaining and expectation. Letting go in this way is one of the most difficult things I have ever faced — because it requires exactly the same unconditional trust whose healing I am asking for.
The realm of paradox is sacred precisely because it cannot be grasped by the mind. And there, the mind releases its claim to decide — surrendering into a space where words no longer reach.
With love,
your traveling companion
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